Tuesday, April the 1st, 2008

back to: title, date or indexes

hear this 

Botany Lesson

In today's botany lesson we are going to study a stalk of Fufton's Bladderwort. We are going to examine it very very closely with the naked eye, and then under a microscope, and then, from an exemplary distance, through a telescope. We shall thoroughly sniff it, having first had our nasal passages cleared and fumigated with a nasal fumigation siphon-and-pump contraption specially made for us by a boffin.

We are going to test the effect upon it of both extreme heat and extreme cold, as well as room temperature and other exemplary temperatures it is likely to encounter in what can laughingly still be referred to as the “real world”. Thus far I have spoken of both distance and temperature as being exemplary and I am not finished with my exemplars.

We are going to attach electrical wires to the stalk of Fufton's Bladderwort and subject it to low and high voltages using a targeted electrical voltage delivery contraption specially made for us by a boffin. We shall designate one such voltage as an exemplary voltage, for reasons which will become apparent.

Immersion in a tub of water will be the next step. We will be using water from the duckpond, having first boiled it and allowed it to cool. The water will be collected from the duckpond in pails, then transferred to a pan. It will be allowed to cool in the pan before being poured into the tub through a funnel. Rubber gloves will be worn during this procedure. The colour of the rubber gloves worn is open to choice, except that they ought not be the same colour as the stalk of Fufton's Bladderwort. A rubber glove pigmentation chart has been specially prepared for us by a boffin, and we shall refer to it before plumping for our rubber gloves.

We will then test the pH value of the stalk of Fufton's Bladderwort before breaking for lunch.

Lunch will be served in the sixth floor canteen. The prices are reasonable and the queues are short. There is a goodly selection of pies, cereals, chunks of unidentified meat, oats, barley, thieveries from squirrels' winter storage, baked turnips, cocoa powder, blood oranges, various animal innards, gravy in boats and gravy in a spoon, plums, balsamic vinegar, toffee pudding, dentally-challenging biscuits and crackers, clam chowder, wafers with a drizzle of light ale, pastries, dried citrus husks, blancmange, lemon curd, bog sludge, and aspirins. The sing-song will take place immediately after lunch in the sixth floor canteen annexe. Song-sheets in a bold, hectoring typeface have been specially prepared for us by a madrigalist.

Upon our return we will slice up the stalk of Fufton's Bladderwort with a big sharp exemplary slicing implement. There will then be a test paper in multiple-choice format, to be completed in pencil. The rubber gloves should be disposed of down a chute, the location of which will be announced in due time. Any questions?