Wednesday, March the 4th, 2009
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“It is difficult for wasps suddenly to turn cuddly.”—Theodore Dalrymple.
Difficult, but by no means impossible. In his secret underground laboratory, the experimentalist Dr Fang has set up a “wasp chamber”, to which he lures any wasps he comes upon on his perambulations around the perimeter fence of his compound. Once the wasp is trapped within the chamber, Dr Fang goes to work with what he terms his “wasp behaviour modification techniques”. These are, of course, never to be divulged to anybody outside the secret underground laboratory, so I cannot tell you much about them. By bribing several of Dr Fang's hunchbacked troglodyte albino assistants, however, I have learned that the techniques involve a serum, a ray gun, spooky buzzing music composed by an argumentative German, icing sugar, tweezers, and mesmerism. Please note this is not an exhaustive list, so do not try to experiment on a wasp yourself.
Dr Fang remains tight-lipped regarding the cuddliness, or otherwise, of his wasp chamber alumnae, which are released into the wild when he has finished with them. Those of you who know more or less where Dr Fang's compound is located may wish to go picnicking in the vicinity on an idle summer afternoon. Remove the lids from your jars of picnic jam and picnic marmalade, and wait to see what happens.