Wednesday, January the 19th, 2011

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Goblin Colour Codes

One of the more intractable problems in goblin identification has at last been resolved with the formal adoption of a colour coding system. According to a press release from the World Council Of Goblins, the new scheme comes into immediate effect, and any goblin discovered not to be wearing a tunic, badge, or dye-patch of the appropriate colour will be catapulted into the stratosphere, daddy-o.

Designed to benefit both the goblin and non-goblin communities, the colour coding is the result of decades of tireless work by Bim and Bam and Nat, the trio of retired blacksmiths who set themselves the task back at the 1954 UGINAK Conference. So much time has passed that neither Bim nor Bam nor Mat, nor any of their special rapporteurs nor aides de camp can remember what UGINAK stands for.

It is thought Julian Assange got hold of a draft copy of the press release some months ago, but failed to leak it on his website. If so, this is possibly because the Antipodean chancer is actually a goblin himself, and fears the implications of the new system. Alternatively, it could be because the press release is in the form of Tolkieny runes scratched on bark, making it worse than useless in the age of digital twittering.

Bim and Bam and Nat hit on the inspired idea to match each of the seven distinct types of active goblin to a colour of the rainbow. This is surprising when one considers that both Bim and Nat are colour-blind and Bam is so aged and creaky and stooped that he can no longer angle his head to look upon the sky. In spite of these obstacles, the threesome have arrived at a classification system which can only be described as flawless. It cannot be described in any other way whatsoever, so don't even try to use another word.

We employed a team of unpaid interns to translate the runes, locking the scalliwags in a cellar lit by a single Toc H lamp until their work was done. Then we had them deported to a remote atoll, to live on barnacles and rainwater, from motives of simple cruelty. This is what they came up with:

Red : Hobgoblins.

Orange : Fat Goblins.

Yellow : Pilfering Goblins.

Green : Teutonic Forest Goblins.

Blue : Goblins found under sinks.

Indigo : Wet Goblins.

Violet : All other goblins not classified above.

We cannot swear to the accuracy of the interns' translation, but for the time being this will have to do.