Wednesday, August the 17th, 2011

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Yvonne The Cow

There are many details to savour in the story of the Bavarian cow fugitive, not the least of which is that the cow is named Yvonne and her sister is Waltraut. Clearly the dairy farmers of Bavaria have a grasp of cow nomenclature second to none. I am also fascinated by Franziska Matti, the Swiss “animal communication expert” who is in telepathic communication with Yvonne, and says:

I spoke to her yesterday and she said that she was fine but didn't feel ready to come out of hiding. She said she knew that Ernst had been waiting for her but that she was scared. She said she thought that humans would lock her up and she would no longer be free.

I would be greatly interested to learn in what language Ms Matti and Yvonne speak to each other. Does Ms Matti moo, or does the telepathic realm grant Yvonne a smattering of German? Also, with all of Bavaria seemingly agog with the thrill of the hunt, intent either on rescuing Yvonne or shooting her down, how could Ms Matti be sure that the cow with which she was in mystic mental contact was actually Yvonne, and not, say, Waltraut, or Ernst, or any of thousands of other Bavarian dairy cows? If she remained in her fastness in Switzerland while sending out telepathic signals, her ability to pinpoint Yvonne is truly remarkable. One wishes, however, that Ms Matti had asked the simple question, “Whereabouts are you, Yvonne?” With an answer to that, we could be sure that we were hearing from Yvonne herself and not from some telepathic impostor cow intent on muddying the waters, with a motive either benign or, more likely, malign.

I suppose telepathic communication with cows knows no national boundaries, but I do wonder how much work comes Ms Matti's way. Do dairy farmers throughout Europe come a-hammering at her door whenever one of their cows goes astray? And is she able to use her powers to speak to other farmyard animals, such as goats or hens or pigs? What about non-farmyard animals, giraffes, for example, ostriches, ants, and axolotls? Does she speak to these in their own tongue, for want of a better word, or can they all speak telepathic German?

There is much left unsaid in the newspaper report, so I may have to fire off a letter to Franziska Matti, or, better yet, attempt to communicate with her over the mystic aether. I shall do my best to make my thoughts heard over the telepathic hubbub of mooing and bellowing and cooing and grunting of her other communicants.