Wednesday, February the 4th, 2004

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Today's Recipe

Ingredients : 6 oz self-raising flour, 6 oz self-hatred flour, 4 tbsp Jezebel oil, 25 pints boiled duckpond water, 1 raisin, 12 quail's eggs, a smidgeon of marzipan, 12 cucumbers, 13 sticks rhubarb, a very large hollyhock, 2 buckets chaff, 1 pint turtle's blood, 5 pkts Special K®, 15 blood oranges, 2 fresh bream*, 54 more raisins, 1 plastic bag, 8 radishes, 1 cup blé, 18 pints milk, 3 lb toffee, 5 tbsp gum arabic, 2 cups Bathsheba extract, 62 moorhen feathers, dash of isinglass, 1 tbsp lemon curd, 3 balls wool, 5 oz. titanium, 1 beetle, 8 jars nameless, eldritch plasma.

Method : 1. Find a large metal drum, about the size of a telephone kiosk. 2. Shove everything into it, having chopped up the things that need chopping. 3. Boil. 4. While it boils, think long and hard about the fact that rhubarb takes its name from the Greek rheon barbaron, that is, something which comes from the barbarous country of the Rha—the Greek name for the Volga. 5. When it has finished boiling, transfer it into a big metal basin and bake it in an oven for four hours. 6. Remove from oven, allow to cool, then cut into cake-size cubes. 7. Fry the cakes over a low flame until golden, or what passes for golden in this leaden age. 8. Serve with milk diluted with tap water.

* NOTE : The bream is the only fish to be named after a major 20th century English lutenist.