Tuesday, March the 16th, 2004

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Jar Hints

I must make a confession. Here in the Haemoglobin Towers branch office, where the website is put together by a team of volunteers from the Bodger's Spinney Home For The Bewildered, The Withered & The Fraught, there has lain neglected in a damp corner a bulging sack full of letters, all of which are pleas from readers who seek urgent advice on their jars. I can offer no satisfactory excuse for having ignored them for so long. Much as I would like to throw blame upon our temporary janitor, the defrocked papal nuncio ex-Monsignor Shudderyhead, I cannot do so. With his hacking cough, boils, and seeming unwillingness ever to wash his hair, he makes an easy target, but despite his numberless crimes we make every effort to bolster his self-esteem. Only last week Mrs Gubbins gave him her soiled copy of one of David Icke's books about extraterrestrial lizard people, and the crones in the ActiveX Plug-In Division have been saving him their boiled sweet wrappers for a month. But enough office gossip! Here, with apologies for its lateness, is the jar advice so many readers have been waiting for:

It is vitally important to keep all your substances in separate, labelled jars. Nothing good can come of mistaking your turps for your suet, or vice versa. It can also help to arrange your jars in alphabetical order, to wit: blubber, crusts, curd, dew, grease, orts, pips, spume, ullage, vapour, whey. (This of course is only an example, as you may own an entirely different set of substances.)

I trust that will suffice.