Wednesday, March the 17th, 2004

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Balls

Yesterday we celebrated Punter Hoonjaw's centenary. There are those who would argue that the author of Invasion Of The Vapid Ones and The Tharg From Planet Icke does not deserve to be remembered. No one, however, can cavil at our decision to draw attention to an event that occurred in London two hundred and sixty four years ago today. Indeed, its contemporary relevance is uncanny. On 17th March 1740, Henry Fielding—author and magistrate—using the splendid pseudonym Captain Hercules Vinegar, issued a court summons against the Poet Laureate, Colley Cibber, accusing him of the wilful murder of the English language.

Is there in 21st century London an officer of the law with the wit to follow Captain Vinegar's example? I have had stern words to say about the present Poet Laureate before (see 18th December). But Lemsip-slurping Andrew Motion has now surpassed even his own previous doggerel with A Song For Jonny. Read it and weep.

Now dry your eyes, for Pansy Cradledew has a theory. “Could it be,” she asks, “that Motion is brilliantly undermining the anachronistic, monarchist post of laureate by writing deliberately atrocious twaddle? Consider the evidence. You referred in December to his poem about a ”dapper hall“ and a ”ball“. In this latest poem we find more balls. Read the last line of the new one carefully. I think the poet—if that's the word—is trying to tell us something.”