Thursday, May the 6th, 2004
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It grieves me to announce that the Hooting Yard website may have to close. If my latest scheme succeeds, I very much doubt that I will have any spare time. I know that all my readers will be avid for details of my plan, so here is the text of a letter I sent out today:
Dear L'Oreal, I would like to apply to become the new “Face of L'Oreal”, as I think we both know that the model and actress Andie McDowell has been hanging on to the role for too long. You probably think that I am unsuitable, as I am a man who does not actually use your products, and my hair is fairly short, at least in comparison to Andie's, so I won't be able to do that hair-tossing thing very effectively. I can toss my head, though.
Where I think I could really make a difference is in my ability to speak the part of the script that includes the scientific information. I enclose a tape recording of one of my practice-runs, and I think you will be impressed at the bit where I say: “Now with reduced pH values and clinically-tested Norwegian molecule-balancing agents”. As for the punchline—“Because I'm worth it” — I think there is an opportunity here to diversify and create some new catchphrases which will soon be on the lips of millions of people worldwide. As I have indicated, when I toss my head my hair doesn't do that sinuous, flowing, Andie thing, so it looks as if I've got some kind of nervous tic. Well, let's use that! Imagine that at the end of the advert, I toss my head and say “L'Oreal—because I've got ergot poisoning” or “L'Oreal—because I've got Tourette's Syndrome”. It's a winner.
I look forward to receipt of my contract in the post.
Yours, because I'm worth it, Frank Key