Monday, May the 17th, 2004
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Further to my legendary L'Oreal letter (see Career Change, 6th May), I have received this:
Frank, I found this mysterious message scrawled on an irregularly shaped, singularly corroded sheet of metal which fell into my garden last night. BD*
Dear Mr Key, It has been brought to my attention that you have shown interest in the possibility of becoming “the New Face” of L'Oreal. Being a very busy man—especially now that this so-called “Scandal of the Implausable Utensils” has surfaced—I have not yet had an opportunity to gaze upon your facial assets, if any, with my own eye. Yes my friend, you read that correctly; I said “eye”… for I possess only one. It was not always so. Please, please…spare me any demonstrations of pity or remorse! For it was of my own volition some decades ago that the organ, with its once inquisitive gaze, was spirited away to a particle physics research station of admittedly debatable repute where it is now lodged in a special calcium-lined retort, subjected to occasional light bombardments of energetic particles (the nature of which are distinctly open to criticism) whenever the thin, stooped, superannuated lab assistant can wrench himself away from his perpetual travail; the ultimate worth of which is certain to be slight. As interesting as I am sure you would find more biographical information about myself: enough! In order to be considered for employment as New Face, one must be handsome and clean-shaven; any attempt to disguise singular hairiness or structural abnormalities by the application of unguents or poultices, no matter how clever of a manner one may imagine them to have been applied, shall be cause for immediate dismissal. The last applicant who attempted to pull this little stunt I dismissed with a sudden volley of sharp, guttural barkings and unearthly bleatings, whilst contorting my typically mobile features into a stiff, sarcastic grimace. He, waving his hands in the air, muttering some airy-fairy quasi-occult philosophical gibberish, turned and left the nitre-encrusted chamber, NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!
* NOTE : “BD” is Bob Drake. Go and visit him here.