Thursday, September the 30th, 2004

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The Life and Loves of Mrs Gubbins

Readers will recall that the octogenarian crone Mrs Gubbins has returned to her duties running various important aspects of the Hooting Yard empire. After being on the run from the police and gaining sanctuary with the Tundists for a few months, she seems revitalised, and in among everything else she is writing her autobiography. I crept into her office the other day and stole a few pages of the manuscript, extracts of which will appear here from time to time.

After my divorce from the man who liked to sing Shenandoah morning noon and night, setting my teeth on edge, I became a flapper and spent the next five years going from one party to another. I doubt that any of the demimondaines I canoodled with had any idea that, between parties, I was lecturing at various colleges on the history of bell-ringing and the doctrine of transubstantiation in the Tudor church. It was through this shared interest that I met Ah-Fang, who became husband number two.

“Bathsheba,” he would say to me, “I often wonder why my parents named me Ah-Fang. After all, my father was Belgian and my mother hailed from the tenebrous, dense forests of northern Finland. My siblings all have names like Jan and Joost and Hakki and Einojuhani.”

“How many siblings have you got, Ah-Fang my sweet?” I would ask, pecking him on the cheek. Then his brow would grow furrowed and he would become morose and mutter something about going out to buy a bottle of dandelion and burdock. I became unhappy at this secretiveness of his, and it grieves me to think that during our eight months together I felt closer to my pet anteater, Desmondo. Nonetheless, I wept for a week when Ah-Fang perished in the Hindenburg disaster. I owe my life to the fact that for once I was not at his side, having that very week been employed to spy on the young Anthony Burgess, or John Wilson as he then was, for reasons I forget. I must say it rains a lot in Lancashire.

Next episode : Mrs Gubbins goes to war

BEAN DISEASES!

A new play by Dennis Cargpan

Scene I

Enter Trimulchio and Vincenzo, Duke of Squallorca

Trimulchio : The principal disease affecting beans is a form of anthracnose caused by a fungus that attacks the stems, leaves, and pods of the bean. It is most visible on pods, in which it causes deep, dark pits.

Vincenzo : Fie, sirrah! To prevent the disease, seeds are carefully selected, and care is taken not to spread the fungus from one plant to another during wet weather.

Exeunt

Scene II

Enter Bostinza, a fop

Bostinza : A type of rust may defoliate bean plants. It first appears as small brown dots containing a brown powder, the spores of the fungus.

Scene III

Enter Trimulchio

Trimulchio : Forsooth! Later the spots become larger and the spores black.

Exeunt, covered in beans.

Curtain