Friday, October the 29th, 2004
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Indefatigable detectives from the incident room at the Blister Lane Bypass have issued a photofit picture of a man they think might be British fugitive Lord Lucan. Older readers will recall that Lucan—a descendant of one of the blinkered aristocratic noodleheads who sent soldiers to certain death in the Charge of the Light Brigade during the Crimean War—has been on the run for thirty years after allegedly murdering his children's nanny after mistaking her for his poor long-suffering wife.
Doughty Inspector Cargpan said: “This chap's been seen burrowing round in ditches over the last few weeks. He was spotted by a passing ironmonger who was delivering some metal hubs to the metal hub storage facility at six o clock on Tuesday morning, then again by one of the Righteous Brothers in mid-afternoon. Both these concerned citizens reported his presence to my lads down at the nick, so we unleashed the sniffer dogs and made a thorough search of the area. We haven't found him, although we did discover a nest of newborn starlings which we've taken back to the station for the desk sergeant, who is of an ornithological bent. Anyway, if you see this ne'er-do-well, let us know. I am one hundred and ten percent sure he is Lord Lucan, even if he has shaved off his 'tache at some point in the last three decades.”