Monday, November the 1st, 2004
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In the past, unkind words have appeared on these pages about that giant of modern American cinema Kevin Costner. Well, we take it all back. Recently, our people sent a speculative letter to his people accompanied by a draft screenplay for a film based on the adventures of Ugo of Plovdiv (see the Unhelpful Index for dates of the various stories). This morning, we received the following email:
Dear Hooting Yard Person : I am writing on behalf of Kevin Costner, who you are aware is the single most creative genius currently working in the motion picture industry. Kevin has read your screenplay for Ugo Of Plovdiv and it is fair to say that he is bowled over. He is particularly taken with your twist on the eternal theme of a relationship triangle. Instead of the usual boy, boy, girl or girl, girl, boy, you have devised a scenario involving boy (Ugo), boy's pal (Ugo's pal Ulf), and boy's blind mother (Ugo's ma), the trio forever locked into a battle of wits by turns humorous, tragic, heart-warming, and—despite being set in the drab Bulgarian town of Plovdiv—utterly relevant to American idealism and optimism, values which Kevin embraces in such works as Waterworld, Field Of Dreams, and, of course, Tin Cup. I enclose a cheque for three dollars and a contract for you to sign, in which you cede intellectual copyright and complete creative control of the project to Kevin. Just to keep you informed, our man is so thrilled by your script that he has already signed up the two Toms, Cruise and Hanks, to play Ugo and Ugo's pal Ulf (or vice versa), and Cher as Ugo's blind ma. Yours sincerely, Illegible, pp Kevin Costner.