Friday, November the 5th, 2004

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Crisis in the Sedge

Occasionally, if you observe closely, it is possible to watch a crisis developing in a clump of sedge. On any given day, the crisis may involve sedge warblers* (a type of bird), but is unlikely to match the features of any of the Six Crises examined by Richard Milhous Nixon in his 1962 book of that title.

Sedge crises tend to be riverbanky by definition, so in addition to the aforementioned sedge warblers, one may also find that otters, frogs or hand-carved wooden decoy ducks are involved. In the case of frogs, it is advisable to make tape recordings of their croaks. These can then be analysed at leisure, back in the comfort of one's laboratory, attended by Mungo the disfigured factotum. It is not recommended to make recordings of any quacks which seem to have the decoy ducks as their source, as these are of course utterly fraudulent and many hours diligent lab time will be wasted as a result. If one has to pay rental for the laboratory space, this can be financially ruinous, thus compromising one's ability to resolve a sedge crisis, in some instances fatally.

Note that most common sedge crises can be dealt with quite effectively by the amateur, and the whole thing should blow over within a week. Special patrol units, dedicated to this type of work, ought to be called in if the crisis lasts longer. Telephone numbers for more than a dozen such teams can be found in the Directory of Sedge Crisis Resources, available by mail order. Unfortunately, there are some impostors who prey on the naïve and the credulous. Genuine crisis teams will always, always wear caps with ear-flaps.

As soon as possible after the sedge crisis has been dealt with, a full written report, in the international standard format, must be submitted to the authorities. This is a legal requirement, and failure to comply will result in criminal charges and deportation to a secret facility disguised as a cream cracker factory, where the malefactor will be poked at with forks and bashed on the head with a big iron utensil.

* NOTE : Even if one is dealing with a warblerless sedge crisis, it is important to learn to recognise these birds so that they can be discounted from one's considerations. Above is a picture of a sedge warbler, by clicking on which one will be able to hear what the damned thing sounds like. Hooting Yard is grateful to the always-exciting Latvian Birding website for this warbling.