Monday, February the 7th, 2005

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So You Want to Become a Haruspex?

If you are interested in becoming a haruspex, the first thing to do is choose a sacrificial victim and slaughter it, or, if you are squeamish, have it slaughtered for you. It might be a duck or a hen or a hare, and if you are having delusions of grandeur, you can always use a larger animal like a performing seal or a giraffe. Haruspices tend not to engage in human sacrifice, and it is well not to give the police any pretext to investigate your doings. In current law, there is no plea of haruspexdom to defend you against a murder rap. Remember that, it's important.

Now, once the victim has been slain, it is your job to interpret the entrails. You will be following in a long tradition. Back in Ancient Etruscan times, the earliest haruspices learned their art from Tages, a being who suddenly sprang from the ground near Tarquinii. Tages always claimed to be the grandson of Jupiter, and as no one ever challenged him on this, it must have been so.

I know what you're going to ask. Victim killed, check. Splattered with gore, check. Disposition of entrails visible, check. But how to interpret them? Well, that's where your local library comes in. Early haruspices, sometimes known as extispices, wrote a series of instructional manuals called libri haruspicini, fulgurales, and tonitruales, and copies should be available if you ask the librarian in a very quiet voice, making sure you maintain eye contact. Bear in mind that municipal librarians become rightly suspicious of shifty-eyed borrowers, and if that means fixing them with a stare of unhinged madcappery, so be it. These ancient tomes are not forbidden, as far as I know, and you have every right to borrow them, unless you owe outstanding fines.

I should have told you to get copies of the haruspicina manuals before slaughtering your eel, or bat, or whatever creature you selected. Sorry. Anyway, by consulting the books you will be well placed to interpret from the fresh entrails the will of the gods. And that's all there is to it!

If you are vegetarian or vegan, you can still qualify as a haruspex by eschewing entrails and instead interpreting portenta, that is lightning, earthquakes, and all extraordinary phenomena in nature.

Unlike those snotty-nosed augurs, with their professional association, haruspices tend to be self-employed. You can drum up business by advertising in the Yellow Pages or placing a notice in your newsagent's or post office's window. Good luck!

Rosemary F. of Swanage says : “I followed the So You Want To Become A Haruspex? course and I now employ eight people and take three Etruscan holidays a year!”