Wednesday, June the 1st, 2005
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Yesterday's mention, in Dobson On Sport, of “lusty jocund swains” prompted Poppy Nisbet to telephone me with a pertinent question. “I'm sure there is some connection between lusty jocund swains and Joost van Dongelbraacke, the suburban shaman,” said Poppy, “Am I right?” I am not, as a rule, fond of the telephone, so I grunted and slammed down the receiver. Such gracelessness is unforgivable, but in recompense to Ms Nisbet I did some research, and find that she is indeed correct.
The origins of the connection lie far back in time, long before Van Dongelbraacke became the suburban shaman of legend. In fact he was still at school, in his final year, about to matriculate from Saint Kapisko's Seminary. As was the custom, he was offered an intensive session with a careers adviser, who at this time was a perfumed fop with a criminal record—but that is irrelevant.
“So,” said the fop-adviser, “Have you any idea what you would like to do when you leave here, Joost?”
The youthful Van Dongelbraacke explained that he had it in mind to become a lusty jocose swain.
Fop : Lusty, yes. Swain, agreed. But are you sure about the jocose element?
Van Dongelbraacke : Why yes, sirrah!
Fop : [Applying pomade to his almost Pre-Raphaelite tresses] Might I suggest that you opt to become a lusty jocund swain rather than a lusty jocose one, Joost?
Van Dongelbraacke : Gosh. If I am to carve out for myself a fulfilling life I shall need to plump for one or the other this very day. It is an irrevocable choice, sure enough.
Fop : You speak the truth, young Joost. Consider, is your lusty swainhood to be marked by a fondness for joking, playfulness, waggishness and jocularity? [Seeing Van Dongelbraacke frown in concentration, he pauses to let this sink in.] Or perhaps what the world will come to expect from you is a lusty swainhood of cheerfulness, mirth and merriness, of light-heartedness, pleasantry, cheer and delight?
Van Dongelbraacke : Did you say peasantry?
Fop : [Twirling his outlandish moustachioes] No. Pleasantry.
Van Dongelbraacke : Ah. In that case, my mind is made up.
Fop : Be not so impetuous, young tearaway!
Van Dongelbraacke : It is in my nature to be so. I shall henceforth devote the rest of my life to being a lusty jocund swain!
We know, of course, that Joost Van Dongelbraacke deluded himself on this point. Within a week of leaving the seminary, he had abandoned his swainhood and was engrossed in the study of pismire ants which consumed him for a decade and a half.
I am very grateful to Poppy Nisbet, for raising this subject, and to the staff and custodians of the REO Speedwagon Academy of Stadium Rock Twaddle & Applied Historical Research for supplying cups of tea and seed cake which made completion of this item particularly soul-sickening.