Tuesday, June the 21st, 2005

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Mustard? Custard!

Mustard? Custard! is an exciting parlour game for all the family, best played in pitch darkness. While the lights are still on, each player is dealt a hand of six cards. These are then traded frantically until someone has a hand of a single suit. This player is designated the timekeeper, and is also in charge of the light switch. Each person then places their cards face down on the table.

The timekeeper draws the curtains, closes any shutters, and turns off the light. Using hoops, counters and coat-hangers, the players dash wildly around the room bumping into furniture, walls and each other, all the while screaming at the tops of their voices. Points are gained for bloodcurdling shrieks, bestial howling, and unbridled panic.

After precisely three hours have passed, the timekeeper switches the lights back on. The players have ten seconds to claw their way to the table and collect their cards. A non-participating family member or friend then creeps into the room with a trolley on which there are two large bowls, one filled to the brim with mustard and the other with custard. Big iron spoons are distributed to each player. Starting with the person holding the best hand, and then in descending order, each player plunges their spoon into one of the bowls, gulps down the yellow goo, and shouts “Mustard!” or “Custard!” accordingly.

When everyone has had their turn, the whole game is repeated from scratch, with the important difference that at the end, those who devoured a spoonful of custard must choose the mustard, and vice versa.

There is no outright winner. As in all sports and pastimes, the important thing is taking part.