Thursday, June the 30th, 2005
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If you are a shabby person, you may from time to time experience the beckoning hand of unshabbiness. You may be tempted to comb your hair, or to darn those holes in your jumper, even to eradicate the egg and jam stains on your necktie. It may be that not only is your appearance shabby, but so too your conduct. Perhaps you have betrayed your friend, or stolen a bus pass from a tottering widow, or pushed a dog in front of an oncoming railway engine. Siren voices may whisper in your ear, as you lie sprawled in a sun-dappled meadow, urging you to repent. What those voices want is for you to embrace unshabbiness.
Now you can spurn the beckoning hand and the siren voices with ease, in exchange for a small monthly fee. Bolster Your Shabbiness is a new part-work from Hooting Yard's Inhuman Resources Service. Every month, our team of craven wretches provides the shabby with information, top tips, and inspiration. We have also commissioned a series of illustrations, made with a blunt and greasy pencil on sheets of disgusting wrapping paper salvaged from a hole in the ground.
For further details, watch this space—or rather, peer at it through your eerily pale and watery eyes.