Tuesday, August the 9th, 2005

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Impending Juxtaposition of Blubber and Tallow

On Thursday next Mister Taplow will be presenting a talk at Sawdust Bridge Salvation Hall. He has made private arrangements to rent the building for the evening, so the usual manicuring session will not take place. Mister Taplow intends to discuss the relative merits of blubber and tallow, with specific reference to the manufacture of candles. Most of you will know that Mister Taplow is blind. The talk is scheduled to begin at 7.30 p.m., after which there will be an opportunity to ask questions, although Mister Taplow has indicated that he may not have time to answer more than a couple, as he will have to dash off, on horseback, to a mountainous retreat by 9.45 p.m. The Trustees of Sawdust Bridge Salvation Hall have made arrangements for little snacks to be served to those attending, although no crockery will be provided. Mister Taplow's guide dog, Agamemnon, will be on hand to gobble up any spillages, such as cake-crumbs. Agamemnon will not be accompanying his master to the mountains, so if anyone can provide the hound with a comfortable place to sleep for the night, that would be appreciated. Mister Taplow says he will collect the dog within six working days. Those who know Mister Taplow only from his talks on ostriches, fog, the brains of geese, shoe polish and Crosby Stills & Nash will, we hope, be pleasantly surprised by his erudition in what is, for him, a brand new topic. As ever, state of the art technology will be used to make a recording of the talk, for future release as a compact disc with a cover design by noted local mezzotintist Rex Tint. Please note that all those attending are asked to bring either a blubber candle or a tallow candle, but not both. Stewards will allocate seats on the night. The attic of Sawdust Bridge Salvation Hall is still infested with weird bird-like life-forms which screech horribly, but rest assured they are quite harmless. Tickets for this exciting event are available from all those kiosks clustered around the market square, or by post from Mister Taplow's Exciting Talks, c/o Mister Taplow The Blind Man, The Strangely Mesmeric Building, Blister Lane.