Saturday, December the 24th, 2005

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A Special Christmas Treat for All Our Readers

Hooting Yard has been eerily quiet for the past two months, during which time Mr Key has been plotting all sorts of exciting bagatelles for the coming year. But to assure readers that he has not succumbed to the living death of zombiedom, Frank is presenting as a Christmas treat the working drafts of two episodes of an exciting new television series. The show is provisionally entitled Blodgett And His Pals Hanging Around On A Mysterious Island After Surviving A Plane Crash. Here is the first, which takes place somewhere around the middle of the story. The notes for a second episode will appear tomorrow.

Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp is covered in blood. Dobson and Marigold Chew do medical stuff. Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp is croaking.

Marigold Chew: “What's happening, Dobson?”

Dobson: “His lung just collapsed.”

Tense music. Tracheotomy. Tiny Enid winces. Dobson tells Marigold Chew to go to the beach and ransack fictional athlete Bobnit Tivol's stuff for rubbing alcohol.

Flashback. Dobson is tying a bowtie on a young mystic badger named Little Severin, who says “You can still back out, Dobson”. Wedding preparations? Possibly.

Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp is still croaking and bloody. Dobson says: “I'm going to save you.”

Daytime on the beach. Fictional athlete Bobnit Tivol, his spectacles nowhere in sight, offers Minnie Crunlop a fish. The raft should be ready in about a week. Old Halob offers The Grunty Man a fish. Neither Minnie Crunlop nor The Grunty Man want fish. Marigold Chew arrives and demands all of fictional athlete Bobnit Tivol's alcohol.

Dobson is stitching Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's chest up. He's still groaning. He needs a blood transfusion. Pabstus Tack asks Dobson where Blodgett is.

Flashback. Pre-wedding party. “The future Mrs Dobson” makes a speech. A year ago she broke her back. (A bit like Blodgett's sister breaking her neck as a child, though this is not made explicit.) They said it was inoperable. “But there was Dobson. And he promised to fix me. He's the most committed man I have ever known. I will dance at our wedding.” Dobson looks soulful.

Tiny Enid puts a twig in Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's mouth, which is not a herbal remedy despite Dobson's protestations. They pull him about and he makes very loud groaning noises.

Marigold Chew trips over in the forest carrying her rucksack full of alcohol. Something is lurking in the trees. It's Minnie Crunlop, going into labour.

Marigold Chew: “You're having contractions, Minnie Crunlop!”

Minnie Crunlop: “No I'm bloody not!”

Marigold Chew: “Help! Somebody help!”

The Grunty Man hears the yelling and runs into the forest. Marigold Chew tells The Grunty Man to go and get Dobson.

Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp has stopped groaning and is now quivering, in shock. Tiny Enid asks him what blood type he is. He eventually groans, “A negative”. Dobson tells Tiny Enid to go and find someone with A negative blood, and to find Mrs Gubbins too.

Mrs Gubbins and Lothar Preen are out walking. Lothar Preen has made a picnic for them on a secluded beach.

Pabstus Tack has been asking people about their blood types, but nobody knows. He doesn't even know his own “bloody blood type”. Tiny Enid has found a plant with very thin, sharp needles. Dobson says that he is a ‘universal donor’ whatever that means, and will risk giving his blood to Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp.

Flashback. Dobson is playing the hotel piano. His fiancee (Matilda Spamclot) joins him for a duet of ‘Heart And Soul’. Dobson looks soulful again.

The Grunty Man arrives to get Dobson, and comes face to face with Tiny Enid. Intense looks between them. The Grunty Man explains that Minnie Crunlop has gone into labour. Much babbled English/Korean chatter with Tiny Enid interpreting. Dobson tells Pabstus Tack to go and tell Marigold Chew that she has to deliver the baby.

Night. Minnie Crunlop's contractions have stopped. Then her waters break.

Dobson is in a vigil over bloody Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp. He's still breathing. “I screwed myself up pretty bad” he says. Then he starts muttering… “plane, hatch, plane, hatch… Blodgett said not to tell anyone about the hatch…” Dobson: “What hatch?”

Mrs Gubbins and Lothar Preen are canoodling chastely at their night-time picnic. Mrs Gubbins tells Lothar Preen that Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp is not her brother, but her step-brother, and he is in love with her. She has feelings for Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp, ‘but not like that’. Mrs Gubbins wants to take things slowly with Lothar Preen.

Minnie Crunlop is having her baby. The Grunty Man and Pabstus Tack arrive.

Marigold Chew: “Where's Dobson?”

Pabstus Tack: “He couldn't come. He's pouring his own blood into Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's arm right now!”

Minnie Crunlop: “I was out there for a week. Some days I don't remember. What if they did something to the baby?”

Dobson and Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp. All the blood is gathering in his leg. “Compartmentalisation!”

Flashback. Night. Dobson sitting by the hotel pool. Dad arrives. Dobson explains that Matilda Spamclot wants them to write their own wedding vows and he just can't think what to say. He doubts his ability to be a good husband and father.

Dad: “Committment is what makes you tick, Dobson. You just don't know when to let go.”

Dobson says he has to amputate Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's leg. “There is no other choice.”

Minnie Crunlop is pushing, but trying not to. “Baby knows I was going to give it away—it won't want me. Babies know.” Marigold Chew moves into inspirational, affirmative blather mode. The Grunty Man and Pabstus Tack sit nearby being manly together.

Tiny Enid tells Dobson he can't save Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp. Tourniquet round leg time. Dobson and Tiny Enid stare at each other meaningfully. Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp groans. Dobson starts crying.

Flashback. Wedding. Dobson is lost for words when the time comes for the exchange of self-written vows. “I didn't write any. I've been trying for a month and I couldn't. You got it all wrong. I didn't fix you—you fixed me. I love you.” Tears and sobs and kisses and applause from the assembled throng. The minister, by the way, is an elderly, chubby, moustachioed man who may be Malaysian.

Very quick pre-advert scene. Has Dobson just amputated Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's leg? I'm not sure.

Dobson and Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp having a muttered, whispered and incomprehensible conversation. Deep emotions in play. Dobson is sobbing again.

Minnie Crunlop is yelling as she has her baby. Successful delivery. It's a boy.

Dobson and Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp again. I think Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp is going to die. Yes, he does. Last words: “Tell Mrs Gubbins…tell Mrs Gubbins…”

Minnie Crunlop brings her baby to the beach. One of those scenes of everyone looking meaningful, with moving music. Slow motion. Mrs Gubbins and Lothar Preen return hand in hand. Dobson walks towards them in slow motion to tell them the dreadful news. Silent, just the music. Birth and death you see, very profound.

Mrs Gubbins looking at Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp's corpse and convulsing in sobs, still only a music soundtrack. Tragic violins.

Dobson sitting on the beach staring out to sea. Marigold Chew joins him. They look at each other in a meaningful Marigold Chew-Dobson sort of way.

Dobson: “Ah-Fang Van Der Houygendorp didn't die. He was murdered.”

Marigold Chew: “Where are you going?”

Dobson: “To find Blodgett!”

Woo-hoo!