Wednesday, January the 25th, 2006

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A Series of Unfortunate Cows

Misfortune can strike a cow out of the blue. To give but one example, the field in which it is standing may become flooded after heavy rainfall or, if not flooded exactly, then pitted with many, many puddles. No cow likes to stand in water, so such a circumstance must be counted a misfortune.

The cow in the puddle, however, is une jolie vache compared to the cow which inattentively wanders onto some railway tracks and then comes to a halt. Continuing across the tracks would be the wiser option, for as long as the cow remains where it is, it is an imperilled cow. But unlike owls, cows are not noted for wisdom. The imperilled cow on the railway tracks may suffer the misfortune of being killed by a runaway locomotive without a cow-conscious driver at the helm. I am not sure helm is the correct word for the little cabin in which a train driver, cow-conscious or otherwise, sits or stands, but let that pass. What we can say with certainty is that a motionless cow in the path of a runaway train will suffer the greatest of misfortunes, that is, a violent death. By comparison, the previous cow, the one standing in the puddle, is almost as happy a cow as the laughing one that mysteriously appears on the wrappers of a brand of processed cheese triangles in this country, and perhaps in other countries too.

If my memory serves, that laughing cow is red and white. If a real cow was red and white, it too would probably suffer misfortune, for its colouration would make it an easy target for predators. Larger, more savage beasts, ones with vision alert to bright primary colours, in this case red, would be far more likely to attack the laughing cow than a neighbouring cow that was, say, beige or dun or even dappled. Such being the case, one wonders why the red and white cow is laughing.

The fourth in our series of unfortunate cows is the one that is stricken by disease. In the popular mind, the most notable cow disease is bovine spongiform encephalopathy, or mad cow disease. I, for one, can never read the technical phrase without visualising a cow with a brain that has turned to sponge. That may be because I am mispronouncing the word spongiform. Either way, I think we can agree that this is the least fortunate cow we have encountered so far.

Next week we will be taking a stroll down a pathway that leads to four more cows assailed by misfortune. Until then, your homework is as follows. Answer the following questions to the best of your ability, and with a certain dash.

1. If, through some eldritch soul-transfer conjured by a warlock, you swapped places with one of the four unfortunate cows above, which one would it be, and why?

2. Would you follow the example of the red and white cow, and laugh in the face of misfortune, or would you take steps to avert it? If so, how?

3. What tips would you give to a cow standing in a puddle?

4. Imagine you are a train driver. Would you be cow-conscious? If so, list six examples of your cow-consciousness.