Wednesday, February the 1st, 2006

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Bees in Bonnets

Regular readers will sigh and complain, “Oh for crying out loud, is Frank going on about bees again?” Well, no, I am not. I want to talk today about people who get figurative bees in their figurative bonnets, monomaniacs who devote their time, money, and energy to “issues” that make them fume and growl and seethe and have attacks of the vapours. People can get themselves all worked up about things most of us never even think about.

Who can fail to be delighted, for example, by Hedgeline, the snappy name for the Campaign For Effective Legislative Control Of Problem High Hedges Of All Species, In Residential Areas Of The UK? I suppose CFELCOPHHOASIRAOTUK is a somewhat unwieldy acronym, even for a fuming monomaniac.

The Hedgeline website is a masterpiece of unintentional comedy, from the excited announcement that “the Daily Mail is interested in problem with the High Hedges Law” (now there's a surprise!) to the repeated references to “hedge-victims”. I cannot help picturing a sobbing hedge-victim unburdening their grief to one of Hedgeline's “fellowship in adversity listening ears”, recounting how their life has been destroyed by having a high hedge near them.

Note to middle class people—talk in a civil manner to your neighbours and you may avoid the soul-lacerating horror of hedge-victimhood.

I have deliberately reproduced Hedgeline's logo to see if flouting the stern warning on their website will have any repercussions. Material on this entire website is not for reproduction on any other website or in any other way without permission of Hedgeline, it says. I wonder what will happen. Will they plant a terrifyingly high hedge outside my front door? I will keep you informed.