Sunday, February the 5th, 2006
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For many, many years I have been puzzled by the item shown in this photograph. As you can see, it's a box of cigars made out of bubblegum. Here is a list—by no means exhaustive—of some of the questions I have asked myself.
What do you win? If you are winning “with Dick”, has Dick already won? And if he has won, what did he win? Or do both of you have to win at the same time? Do you win a cigar made out of bubblegum, or the whole box? If that's what you win, why do you have to pay five cents? Does your five cents payment entitle you to some sort of raffle ticket, or to entry in a tombola, for example? Has Dick already got a raffle ticket, or do you have to pay for his ticket in addition to yours, assuming that you get a ticket at all? Perhaps you have to pay five cents for Dick's ticket, and then wait to find out if he wins just a single cigar made out of bubblegum or the entire box. If he wins the box, is he duty bound to share his prize with you? What if Dick doesn't win? Have you just wasted your five cents on him, without the possibility of recompense?
That toothsome grin of Dick's—does he know something you don't? Has he got the raffle or tombola all sewn up in advance? Is it seemly for him to take five cents from your palsied little hand if he already knows he's going to get his hairy mitts on the whole box?
Are the cigars made out of bubblegum imbued with a flavour, and if so, what is it? Tangerine? Strawberry? If the cigars made out of bubblegum are cigar-flavoured, you are likely to be sick, in which case you can hardly be described as a winner. This hardens the suspicion that Dick has a crafty plan up his sleeve, for if you hand over your five cents and win a cigar-flavoured cigar made of bubblegum and chew it to the point where you start vomiting, you will have won nothing but misery and nausea, whereas Dick will have won your money and perhaps a sense of Schadenfreude. No wonder he has a toothsome grin.
Next week : Win With Spiro Agnew