Monday, July the 24th, 2006

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God News

If, like me, you harbour ambitions to be a sort of 21st century Madame Blavatsky figure, offering an all-embracing synthesis of belief systems to the credulous and wealthy, it is worth keeping an eye on the Religion News Blog. After all, in a god-eat-god world, you can stay one step ahead by clutching every new twitching tendril of faith to your capacious Blavatskyesque bosom as soon as it appears. Recent news items alert us to some must-have additions to your cult.

So, for example, ensure that your sect incorporates a ‘blot’, a sacrificial meat offering to the ancient Norse Gods as practised by adherents of Asatru. You might also want to smash statues and tear up baptismal gowns and wedding veils like the devotees of Creciendo En Gracia, for whom 59-year-old Puerto Rican José Luis De Jesus Miranda is Christ. Like Jesus of Nazareth, he wears fine suits and diamond-encrusted rings, drives a 7 Series BMW, and, until recently, lived in a 5000-square-foot Miramar home with Corinthian columns and vaulted ceilings. He also travels with a battalion of guards who wear dark suits and conspicuous earpieces, but the running cost of this security detail is only about $300,000 per annum, so is completely affordable if you tithe your followers at the appropriate level.

Meanwhile, don't forget to co-opt Kathleen McGowan on to the shadowy ruling council of your sect. She has read Dan Brown's preposterous The D* V***i C*de very, very carefully, and has announced that she is a direct descendant of the aforementioned Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. Of course, I am too, but I try not to make a big thing of it.