Monday, November the 27th, 2006

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Glue : Some Do's and Don'ts

Far too many people simply don't understand how to make the best use of glue. For that reason, here at Hooting Yard we have taken it upon ourselves to educate our readers by providing some cardinal do's and don'ts. Read, ponder, and digest, and never again will you stand accused of glue-related tomfoolery.

1. Never use glue to stick your head to something it ought not be glued to. For example, you should avoid gluing your head to the nest of a being which will suck out your brains.

2. Do not confuse glue with gum. Some gum can be chewed—indeed, such gum is often called ‘chewing gum’. You cannot chew glue, and you will rue the day you do, should you be such a nincompoop so to do.

3. Make sure you read Dobson's various pamphlets on the subject of glue, all of which are highly informative. I particularly recommend The Adhesive Properties Of Six Hundred Different Types Of Glue, With Diagrams (out of print, but sometimes salvageable from rubbish tips in the vicinity of glue-making factories). This pamphlet has been condemned by a number of commentators as being a farrago of lies and bile, written by Dobson in order to exact revenge upon one of his enemies, but you should read it anyway, for even if the so-called facts with which it is packed are false and inaccurate, you will still learn much enabling you to hold your own in any argument concerning glue.

4. Some glues are designed for very specific purposes. For example, library paste is thick and glutinous, whereas mucilage is thin, clear and gelatinous. Don't get the two mixed up, or you may be beset by adherence issues, and none of us wants to face such a circumstance, bereft of glue-knowledge, alone and puny in a cold and pitiless universe. No!

That is quite enough about glue for today.